To be very honest, it’s been so long
since I last thought about you. Yet every time I do, it still hurts.
가끔씩 나도 모르게 짜증이나
너를 향한 맘은 변하지 않았는데
혹시 내가 이상한 걸까
혼자 힘들게 지내고 있었어
Both of us know very well that we
were never together, yet the two years that I got to spend with you (I’ve no
idea how to even explain what kind of relationship we had) are times I probably
would never forget. It’s kind of amazing how it even spanned across two years considering
the fact that the times we got angry/irritated/quarreled with each other were probably
more than the happy ones. Sounds epic ridiculous now that I think about it, but
I was probably too blinded then because that two years was the period whereby I
thought nothing else mattered more than you.
내꺼인 듯 내꺼 아닌 내꺼 같은 너
니꺼인 듯 니꺼 아닌 니꺼 같은 나
이게 무슨 사이인 건지 사실 헷갈려
Many times I wonder what would have
happened if you popped that question earlier? I mean, what took you so long?
And of all times you could have asked, you popped it during a time when I was
confused and have no idea what I wanted in life. If I have to confess, I actually
do wonder what would have happened if I were to say yes when you came to find
me that night. Would we be happy and walk the rest of our lives together? Or
things would have gotten so out of hand that we wouldn’t be friends anymore.
Who am I kidding now because ever since I said “I don’t know”, I broke whatever
we had, right? I honestly tried to salvage whatever friendship left, but I wonder
if I hurt you so badly that you just reject every advance I made. Every time I
text you, I wonder if you would reply more than a single word. It came to a
point that I felt there was no use trying. Every year I tell myself the same
thing yet every year I still look forward to your birthday. I guess that’s
because it’s the only legitimate reason I got to text you. More like, I know
you would answer out of courtesy so I wouldn’t feel so hurt if you didn’t.
I totally sound like a mess now,
right?
Still can’t believe that I dreamt of
you last night and in my dreams, we managed to talk things out, like I’ve
always wanted, yet didn’t get the chance to.
I know when it happened six years
back, I know I wasn’t the only one hurting (but you were probably in more pain
than me).
니 맘 속에 날 놔두고 한 눈 팔지 마
너야말로 다 알면서 딴청 피우지 마
피곤하게 힘 빼지 말고
어서 말해줘 사랑한단 말이야
Is it selfish of me if I still want
this friendship back? I keep telling myself one more year, yet year after year I
still hold on to that belief that we would work out fine. Guess I should stop
being naïve and accept that this will never work out. So now, I’m just going to
tell myself “Just one more year, Germaine. And if after October, it still doesn’t
work out, then just give up and move on!”
_germx
Is it all, or nothing at all?
20150518. 1508h
Labels: Looking Back, Random Thoughts, self-denial, self-reflection
